Feeling Conflicted at 37 Weeks

I won't "officially" be 37 weeks until tomorrow but since my next dr. appt. isn't until Friday, I'll just update now.  Oh wait, my midwife thinks I was 37 weeks this past Saturday so it's close enough.

Alright, not a big change from last week.  More and more people keep telling me that I've "dropped."  I can't tell but I could never tell with Taylor.  I do know it's easier to breathe when I'm sitting down.  My belly button has been popping out for the past few weeks (not sure if I've mentioned that already) so I no longer have an innie.  Well, the whole thing's not sticking out yet.  It's more the top of it.  It's not gross looking or anything but it feels kind of funny.  =) 

I still feel pretty good.  I'm tired as all get out but maybe if I cut down on the sugar, I'd have more energy (but it tastes soooo good!).  I've also been majorly thirsty the past few days.   It wouldn't be such a big deal but I can't make it until lunchtime without a bathroom break now.  Thankfully, a teacher's aide comes in my room for a half hour in the morning- that's my chance to run out!

I've started feeling a lot more pressure so I'm hoping the baby is moving downwards and helping me dilate.  I do NOT want a repeat of last time: almost 12 hours of labor and only getting to 2 cm.  Feeling lots of contractions too.  Nothing regular of course.  But I have to say sometimes they get uncomfortable.  They don't really bother me- I just hope they're doing something beneficial.

Okay so now the feelings of conflict.  Here's the thing, after setting up the pack n play, installing the infant car seat, and packing our hospital bags this weekend, I feel ready now.  So I kind of want to just get this over with.  But at the same time, she's a lot easier to take care of while she's still inside.  I have to admit, I'm feeling very apprehensive about dealing with 2 under 2.  I know the first few weeks will be manageable because Walker will be here and if the timing's right, my sister will be here right after that.  So it's possible I won't be alone for the first month.  But what about after that?  I almost feel like it'll be me vs. them.  They're going to gang up on me!  =)  No, I know it won't be that bad but I'm still nervous (maybe I should have thought about this about ohhhh 9 months ago??). 
I'm also feeling apprehensive about labor.  I did not enjoy it last time.  Well who enjoys labor, right?  But I'm just not looking forward to it.  I don't want an epidural but at the same time I do not want to be in excruciating pain again.  And I really don't want a c-section.  I know those are very common, but the whole procedure totally grosses me out.  Don't get me wrong- if it's necessary I'll get one.  I would just really prefer to avoid it.
And then there's the whole issue of breastfeeding again.  Part of me is confident it will go well this time.  But part of me is really scared it won't.  I"m honestly not sure I'd be able to deal with that disappointment again.  I still get sad that I wasn't able to breastfeed Taylor the way I wanted.  I mean I know she's done fine on formula but part of me wonders if maybe her weight gain would have been better if she had been breastfed. 
I don't mean for this post to drag on and on....I just need to get these thoughts out.  Maybe my hormones are hitting me really hard right now.  What I do know for sure is that I'm exhausted and I need to go to bed.